Everyone is Drunk on Something!

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey8 Comments

We are all drunk on something.  We are all drunk on someone.  For nearly two decades of my young life, I was drunk on pornography; addicted to the high of false love and half esteem.  The power of porn’s addictive magnet has decreased significantly.  Though porn’s magnetic force is and may always be present, its power is wonderfully diminished; it’s grip surprisingly broken.  Porn’s gravitational pull has been disrupted in the most unlikely of ways.

Others caught in porn’s addictive grip (or any addictive grip for that matter) have asked …
Read the rest

In Full Bloom

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey1 Comment

Desire is the soil in which the human heart nurtures the flowering of life. A plant rooted in rich, well tended soil is a wonder to behold.  Conversely, a plant rooted in nutrient deprived, poorly tended soil is a sickly sight.  One blooms beautifully.  Her petals are vast and multicolored!  The other fails to bloom. Rather, she tatters on the ends where the bloom longs to be.  Just as the blooms in the garden of spring burst forth to give and receive, desire abloom is designed to give and receive.  …
Read the rest

aha ~ I Am An Ever Firing Furnace of Desire!

In Cancer, Freedom, Spiritual Formation by Bizgainey2 Comments

“In the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable we eventually learn that here, in this life, all symphonies remain unfinished.”~Karl Rahner

In his wonderful book, Against An Infinite Horizon, Ron Rolheiser opens with this quote from Rahner. A failure to comprehend the truth behind this quote is to risk a life lost to reckless wandering: an unending and exhausting quest for the next person, place or possibility to satisfy the hunger in our soul. To understand this, however, is to be one who, at last, has come to realize …
Read the rest

Moment of Awakening #3, An Evening at the Grill

In Cancer, Freedom, Marriage, Spiritual Formation, Uncategorized by Bizgainey2 Comments

I recall a mild November evening in 2009 when God and I communed.  I was at the grill preparing our evening meal. God was in the sky doing his thing: painting a brilliant and multi-dimensional sunset that brought delight to my eyes.  Here, on this holy ground of nowhere,¹ I encountered a moment that would encounter all moments!

My first moment of awakening revolves around my journey out of porn addiction and can be found at the following link: http://disruptusrenovatus.wordpress.com/2014/11/04/a-grime-ridden-grace-filled-moment-a-personal-story-of-transformation/

My second moment of awakening centers on my wife’s diagnosis …
Read the rest

How Silence and Solitude Renewed My Disrupted Soul

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey8 Comments

The most meaningful moments in life have not been those which I have seized. Rather, they have been moments that have seized me.  Or, moments that have swallowed me whole.

Consider, for example, the months of October and November in 2007. Melissa’s last round of chemotherapy had come and gone.  Though I was maintaining my duties as husband, father, friend and pastor, my interior life was languishing; it had been for some time.  Ironically, Melissa’s interior life was in full bloom.  Lymphoma proved to be fertile soil in which her …
Read the rest

Moments of Awakening: Moment #2, “Melissa has Lymphoma”

In Cancer, Freedom, Marriage, Spiritual Formation by Bizgainey6 Comments

Melissa and I have never communicated this portion of our journey with anyone until now.

Even as I typed this post, tears gathered in my eyes.  Reminding me of the potency of this moment; a moment draped in meaning.

Monday, March 12th 2007, the day before my 38th birthday.

I remember this day as if it were yesterday.  I was awaiting a phone call. My whole family was awaiting a phone call.  You might suspect the call was one of birthday wishes.  Not this time.  Rather, were awaiting a …
Read the rest

Moments of Awakening: Moment #1, Grime Ridden Grace Filled

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey7 Comments

That which holds your heart holds your life.  Poets express this sentiment when they  write of love, hope and beauty.  The Outlet, from Dickinson beautifully portrays love captured longing to be captured (read here, http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/outlet-162).

The media is captivated by this reality as well. Once Upon a Time, a television program I enjoy explores this through an evil queen. The queen takes control of others by reaching inside their chest and extracting their heart. When the queen has your heart, she has you in her control. In this case it …
Read the rest

How Do I Find Joy?

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey1 Comment

How do I find joy?

I love.

Deep joy is derived from and captivated by deep love: deep desires. Or, the aim of my desire shapes my joy. Emerson once penned, That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.

Emerson sings a tune similar to a new favorite author of mine, James K.A. Smith. Smith has observed, We love, therefore, we are.¹ If Smith is …
Read the rest

I Am the Problem

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey1 Comment

In the early 1900’s, the Times Newspaper asked the following question of their readership: What’s Wrong With the World. Purportedly, G.K.Chesterton answered the question in a letter of response which simply said:

“Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G.K. Chesterton.”

Wonderful insight! Wonderfully Chesterton (if he didn’t say this, it is certainly something he would have said). Disruptive: counter intuitive!! Rarely, do we/I indict the ‘self’ when assessing problems. Too bad. Such lack of ‘self-awareness’ enables us to perpetuate the problems identified.

I suspect Chesterton is correct: I am the problem. …
Read the rest

Welcome to Disruptus Renovatus

In Uncategorized by Bizgainey6 Comments

In his novel, The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare, by G.K. Chesterton, the Professor is attempting to describe something. Or, rather, someone. It is the man named Sunday. He is more than a man; he an experience. Confused, the professor states, “I think something,” he said, “that I cannot say clearly. Or, rather, I think something that I cannot even think clearly. But it is something like this…”

The professor’s words capture my sentiments as they pertain to Spiritual Formation: I think something that I cannot even think clearly. …
Read the rest